Learn.

I don't always get a chance to simmer in my own learning as a teacher.
Perhaps because the majority of our learning as adults is done OTF.

We learn about the human experience as we are experiencing it.
The best part of being a teacher is learning.

The best thing we can do as humans is to be open to new adventures.

---

I started this post around this time last year.
I don't know where I was going with it, exactly
What I thought about learning.
And wanted to share with you?

But it seemed to fit right here in April 2020.
The post right below this - is about taking a new job.
Leaving Newton.

It shouldn't shock ANYone from that post, that after a few months, it was time to come home to Newton School.

I learned A LOT while I was away and was BEYOND thrilled to return to my 2nd - now 3rd graders in January.

We learned a lot together for three months.
And then, on Friday, March 13th.
We said, "Goodbye," for the very last time.

I learned that learning online is a lot of work.
And it pulls at my heartstrings.
But I'm so grateful they are mine for the next few weeks.

---

I came home -to Newton - to be safe.
It's challenging to talk about learning about safety as an adult.
But in the setting of a school - I learned that safety - is something to regard highly.
I learned that sitting idly by watching prejudice, injustice, and inhumane treatment of students of color - is just - not my thing.

I remember one of the last "conversations" I had with an adult at my former school, "Let me say what you just said to me, back to you, you want these all to be different? But not MY kind of different."

"Yes," she nodded, "exactly."
I knew then, as she left my room, it was time to go.

Because I knew a place where MY kind of different WAS valued.
Accepted.
No - embraced.
It was night and day packing up my 5th-grade classroom and leaving.
And returning, in the dark to Newton.
Ms. Goodwin in comfy clothes, awaiting my arrival.
Welcoming me home.
Showing little concern for the amount of stuff being unloaded.

I learned in that moment - that my safety as an educator of color, and that of my students - is more important than a paycheck.

---

Virtually learning continues to broaden my horizons as an educator.
It is challenging in new ways.
Rewarding in new ways.
Painful in new ways.
There are parts of this time in our world that the inequity it stifling.
STIFLING.
In a way that I can't really articulate.
Inequity - not of technology - but of a poverty level most in our world can not comprehend.

I learned that we can ALL do hard things. We must continue to put our minds to work - together. We must continue to see our students, even if we can't see our students.

I also learned, something I already knew, is more true than every before.
Love.
Love is the answer.
I love my students more than I can articulate right now.
Old and New.
And I will be here - no matter what.

Saying Farewell, and Saying Hello.

I am the literal worst at saying goodbyes.
As in.
The worst.

Avoid it at all costs.
If I could go quietly into the setting afternoon sun.
And leave no footprint,
I would.

As a child of trauma, it's safer.
Goodbyes are scary.
Unknowns are scary.
As an adoptee, I spent my entire childhood trying to be "enough" so I'd never have to say goodbye again.

Saying goodbye is scary.
What will it mean?

Will there be a hello?

The last six years as a teacher at my little Disney World of Elementary Schools, Newton School, in Greenfield, MA, have truly been some of the greatest years of teaching - ever.

The.
Best.

When I interviewed with Ms. Goodwin - there was a feeling in the air.
Something Electric.

These were my kind of kids.
This was where I was meant to be.
And that feeling was how on October 28th, 2013, I started in a tiny room at the end of the hall.
Two classrooms later.
And so many life changes later.
I find I need to be closer to home.

I grew up in Westfield, and for the first few years, the hour commute was not a problem.

This past May, one of my crazy incredible Mamas was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
A few days later my Matriarch Nana Ruth, celebrated her 97th birthday - still living on her own.

And the days of traveling over an hour to get there seemed to be leaving less and less time.
Of which there was less and less.

It became imperative to work and live closer to home.
And be available for dinner nights with Nan and appointments with Mama Lin.

When a position in my dream grade opened in West Springfield, I was reticent.
I wasn't sure it was for me.
Sure, the school building was familiar; my Mama Lin had been the secretary when the building held West Springfield's Middle School,
But.
To leave Newton.
I'd have to find something.
That gave me that Electric Feeling.

As I sat in the hallway before my interview.
A tardy Dad and kindergartener looking son took the corner.
He smiled wide, "Hola! Tu hablas espanol!?"
I smiled and explained, in my best broken Spanish, that I had been adopted, from Chile.
And my Spanish was Spanglish at best.

He was, in short, so excited.
"Please, stay here, I will be right back."

Of course, I couldn't, I hustled into the interview room packed with incredible women.
And had an Electric interview.
As I sat in my car later I thought back to the Dad, and his son.
These are my people...too.
I thought.
These are my people, too.

When the offer came through, I gave it a lot of thought.
My dear friend Ms. Warren told me to make a pros and cons list.

Family, I told her, will always trump the cons side.
And so, I accepted a position.
In fifth grade.
At the Coburn School.
In West Springfield.

I'm nervous.
And excited.
SO very excited.
And heartsick to say goodbye.
And grateful to say hello.

This sixth year at Newton has been THE ABSOLUTE BEST.
2nd grade is my jam.
These 19 kiddos have been the greatest.
We had SO MUCH FUN.
Learned a ton.
And they are SO READY to go hang with Mrs. Lagoy and Mr. Stone.
And I will miss them TERRIBLY.
But.
As I preach, so I practice:
Dream big.
Follow those dreams.
Look over the precipice.
Leap.
Make the jump.
Trust.
It's going to be great.

Back when I was in 2nd grade, Mrs. Jean Carrigan, may she be resting in peace, read aloud Miss Rumphius and I remember so deeply the words that were shared in the message of the book:

Now, I know I'm no Lupine Lady.
But.
I like to think the little pieces of me I'm leaving behind continue to make the world of Newton a little more beautiful:
A little lending library on the playground.
A blow-up movie screen for movie nights.
12 Chromebooks and a Chromebook cart.
A whiteboard.
A bulletin board.
Tables.
Stools.
Benches.
A day with Jaime from Cosmic Kids.
Sweatshirts.
T-shirts.
Books.
And so much love are all being left behind to be shared.
And used by my forever school family.

When I became a teacher, a school as incredible as Newton, was just a dream.
Six years later, I'm glad it continues to be a place of magic and a real hidden gem in the gorgeous town of Greenfield.

I'm thrilled to be returning to the Westfield Area, though not as a Bomber, but a Terrier. :) <3

Teacher Appreciation.

I am so sorry this post is landing so close to actual Teacher Appreciation Week.
We've been busy.
I've been busy.

But I want to stop here to tell you that all I ever wanted for Teacher Appreciation Week was given to me during our last day with Miss Hendershott, our amazing student teacher.

It didn't come in a gift bag.
Or in a gift card for all the energy drinks I could ever want, lol.

Or even in the beautiful crayon gift, Miss Hendershott made me.

It came.
Out of the mouth of one of the members of our 2nd-grade family.

Let me set the scene.

We were filling out Miss Hendershott's eval, known as a 3-2-1. Three things she did amazing, two things she should take from our room and use in her own, and one area she could improve on.

We were brainstorming all the possibilities and were working on things she could take from our room to hers.

Our fam suggested yoga, and mindfulness, and zearn, and flexible seating. Gosh I love them.

But it was Julian.
Who gave me the gift.

"Maybe," he said, "She could take all the love we have here in our classhome, and bring it with her to her own room."

And I thought, as I wrote his idea on the board, that will do.

If my class fam notices the love.
Feels the comfort.
And ease of learning together.

Then.
I am appreciated beyond measure.

#bestgiftever
#loved
#seen
#blessed

Vacation.

Rarely am I able to stay away from my classroom over a vacation.

I know.

I hear all the teachers like, "STOP. GO HOME NOW."

And there are a million reasons I can't.

Or don't want to...like...where else can I blast broadway show tunes and scream-sing along to Anastasia? Nowhere, but an empty school with two incredible custodians wearing noise-canceling headphones.

But.
There is another reason.

Sure, I am also currently embracing the Marie Kondo life and purging things I've held onto because I MIGHT use them. And it's a big draw to come in and cleanse this room of clutter.

It's a thing of beauty. I also had a dear teacher friend who said I'm #teachergoals...and I was like, "y'all know I just found a Red Bull, beside a rotten apple, underneath a pile of tshirts in my room, right?" #realteacherlife

I mean, if that's your goal?  <3 #winning.

But.
There is another reason.

And it's two-fold.

I am a worrier.
Always have been, always will be.
And vacations induce worry.

Are they sleeping?
Are they eating?
Are they happy?
Has anyone taken their sweet cheeks in their hands today and said, "I LOVE YOU!"
Did they have breakfast?
A snack?
Have they sat in front of their computer, tablet, or TV for hours on end?
Are they safe?
Are they safe?

Are.
THEY.
SAFE?

And that worry, that larger than life worry sits in the pit of my stomach.
Even when I'm not in my classhome.

I made it home to NYC for a few days.
Washed the kitchen floor.
Made some kosher food shtuffs.
Saw KING KONG - 10 out of 10 recommendation for a puppet that will bring you to tears.
Spent some time with my favorite people outside of school.
Fell in love with Adam Pascal's eyelashes all over again, hey Pretty Woman!
Went to rehearsal for Avenue Q, my name Christmas Eve.

And all the while, I worried.
There is one place that quells that worry.


Room 125.
My classhome.

Getting it ready for my family to come back means we're almost back.
Getting it cleaned is getting ready to share my excitement with them.
It takes some of the worries and turns it into a fervor.

Joy rumbles inside me when I think about how they'll love this one part I cleaned.
Or one part I've changed.

Or they won't believe the closet is this clean - hahahaha - okay, I can't believe it.

This isn't just a room.
It's a safe space.
It's home.
It's happy.
It's my familyroom.

They aren't just 2nd graders, they are world changers, future leaders, comedians, joy makers, and part of my crew.

So.

Judge me if you must.
But I'll be home working in this little room for the next few days.

Chances are, I won't hear you judging anyway, I'll be scream-singing, "In My Dreams" from Anastasia.

Who's That Baby? And Why it's NOT a Game.

You know when you can see a picture and suddenly you are so clearly transported back to the last time you saw something like that? There's a picture of my first class beside my desk and I often think back to who they are. And can remember their small voices and how lucky I was to know them.

And then, there are pictures like this.

And suddenly.

I'm eight.

In third grade.

At Southampton Road School.

In Westfield, MA.

Staring at a very similar display on the back of Mrs. M's door.

Several boys are chuckling.

My face is hot.

I'm horrified.

Desperate to not start crying.

"I guess we don't really have to guess who that one is?"

"Don't you have any real baby pictures?"

The burning hot tears are poking the back of my eyeballs.

But I turn to laugh with them, "Nope. Guess I'll be the easiest one of all."

"Wait, you really don't have any baby pictures?"

"She's adopted," my sweet friend responded.

I was doing my best to disappear at the moment.

So I returned to the yellow sheet of paper where we were all guessing who was who.

"I'm number 12. In case anyone didn't know," I said writing my own name down.

That night, I'd go home, as so many nights before, and scrub my skin.

Until it was red, and the bath water dark.

I'd brush my hair until it was matted and stuck down.

And I'd wish more than anything in the entire world that I could just disappear.

Into some void.

And never be known again.

I know you, yes, you, sweet teacher, did not intend to make me feel this way.

I doubt you considered that among my 24 white peers, this wasn't much of a game for me.

Or that not having any baby photos - not existing in anyone's memory before 2 and 1/2 was, until meeting my birth mother in my 30's, one of my single greatest triggers and deepest sadnesses I'd ever know.

The earliest photos of my brown earthy skin and curly locks has me in blue overalls and almost three.

We do, as students, spend far too much time trying to fit in.

Long hair.

Straight hair.

The perfect bun.

The right clothes.

Most of it out of our control. 

When I began teaching in my own classroom, I knew I'd never put ANY of my students in this situation - simply - by not creating it.

My goal in my classroom is to create a family.

A beautiful, colorful, unique family.

Valuing each piece of all us.

Not pointing out differences.

Not highlighting it.

Embracing it.

Celebrating it.

Loving it.

Skip the Who's that Baby?

I don't know that you need a substitute. Something else to do.

Choose to see your students for who they are now.

Not what baby photo they can find.

I have a dear colleague who asked a very honest, and serious question, "Genuinely, if all my students are of the same ethnicity, does this still apply?" 

"If you have to ask," I offered, "that's your gut answering YES."

When I was 30, I traveled to Santiago, Chile, my birth country and met my mother and sister. In the depths of healing for both of us, she offered this photo. And I thought then, as I do now, I wouldn't have wanted to share this with my class either. This is Macarena Del Pilar, before she was adopted - before she was Jami Lyn. 

This is me.

Who's that baby?

A teacher.

A partner.

A friend.

A learner.

A leader.

Loved.

"Like A Dream"

I keep thinking I'll figure out the right way to start this blog post.
Like it will somehow come to me.

When I let my mind simmer in the past week, I often come back to this song from Shrek the Musical, "When Words Fail"

'When words fail

What will I do'

When words fail

How will she know how I feel'

When words fail

Will I fail too'

If you've never enjoyed Brian Darcy James as Shrek and this beautiful song about being awkward and awesome, I implore the reader to do just that (and google Freak Flag - chillbumps!)

It was in thinking about words, that I thought - well - my partner said, "Just tell the story of the day."

So.

Here we go.

If you need to get caught up on where the story began: Oh Ma' Yoga!!

On Wednesday June 6th, I waited anxiously ALL morning.

Would there flight take off okay?

Delays?

Would they get out of Boston okay?

Delays?

Was this going to actually happen?

I was reminded that EVEN if it were delayed, since it was an entire school surprise, it's not like anyone would be totally disappointed, lol, just me.

My partner and I chatted a little about being nervous that someone you've never actually met would be able to live up to the expectation you've built in your own brain, my response,

"Something tells, they'll be even MORE incredible than I've imagined."

My phone buzzed with an international number, and a few hours later, Jaime and her husband Martin were on the walkway to Newton School.

All my anxiety melted away and we picked up like old friends I guess, even though we were just meeting! A couple of hours later, they were sufficiently tired, ha, had a tour of our school, met some excited teachers and were on their way to dinner with their Agent, Elan.

And I knotted up my anxiety again with the surprise of tomorrow morning.

I should add - June 7th, their scheduled visit day was...
My Birthday!
Hooray!
AND...the scheduled visit of DESE to evaluate our Extended Learning Time program.

Pack it in.

The morning of June 7th was to play out something like this:

I'd pick my kiddos up outside at 7:50am - we'd rush inside for breakfast in the classroom and then I'd announce we were getting the ONCE in a lifetime opportunity to SKYPE with Jaime in England. She'd sent us a short video of not being able to hear us. 

So, picture me at 7:45 going to pick up my kiddos and hearing the cheeriest little kindergartner strolling past one of my students shouting, "HOORAY, today is the day we meet Jaime and do YOGA!!"

Most of the teachers stared at me devasted, but I smiled and managed to convince everyone we were just skyping.

We raced around getting our Newton Shirts on and getting ready to Skype.

At 8:20, Jaime and Martin arrived and I put them in the hands of Miss Welcome who is our building monitor and a HUGE Cosmic Kids Yoga fan!

She ushered them down to my room and waited for us to say the secret code word.

My class yelled it loud - and the door popped open!  It was tears and open mouths for the next few minutes while everyone caught their breath. Of course, since we're sassy and in 4th grade, they were all like, "I could tell that wasn't really skyping." :)

Martin filmed from their angle, and I captured ours - I hope to able to share both with you dear Donors and friends in an upcoming post.

And then, as if I had imagined it exactly right, they gathered at family meeting and asked a million and one questions.
And talked about what yoga was for them.
Camden and Zaire had been on a student panel and arrived back late, but just as excited as ever.

At 9am, my class went off to art, and I came back to help Jaime and Martin get set up in the gym for Kindergarten.
I was on a panel myself so I missed the actual kindergarten class, but I do know they were equally excited!

Jaime yoga-ed with every class.
Every student.
And to say it was a thing of beauty is an understatement.

I had a vision in asking Jaime to come and in planning the day.
What actually took place, exceeded every one of my wildest dreams.

It was a day of being seen.
Being loved.
Being Zen.

We lunched with Jaime, though I'm not sure how much she ate, considering so many of my littles were nose to nose with her the entire lunch.

They couldn't get enough.

We Q and A'd again at the end of the day and did a little more meditation.
And my gracious.
Was it ever lovely!

All day long in the halls of our little school, you heard,
"This is like a dream"
"I can't believe this is happening?!"
"Is this real?"
"She's really here?"
"I feel like I'm dreaming, I have to touch my face and I'm awake."

The lasting impact of her visit - well, it's days later, and the energy is still palpable.
My fourthies are filling out scrapbooks for the end of the year and of course, their favorite day is the one Jaime came to visit.
Mine too.

I am once again, dear donors, fellow dreamers and teachers, and framily, humbled by your support of this crazy big dream.

There are many things in our world that are hard
or are hurting,
sad,
and painful.

This.
This gift.
This dream.
Has cast such a vibrant light on love and kindness, the glow is still strong.
Thanks for sharing your kindness.

And to Jaime and Martin, who are, long before Ms. Witherell, the best sort of dreamers I've ever met, thank you both for dreaming YOUR big dreams, so that some random Thursday in the month of June, those dreams would meet the dreams of 240 students in a little school in suburban Massachusetts.

2017 Love in Review

Y'all.
It.
Has.
Been.
A.
Year.

Love is love.
Is love.

And the amount of love we've received via our friends and donors from DonorsChoose.org is inordinate.

And not so secretly has sustained me, kept me standing this year.

So - without further ado - our DonorsChoose.org 2017 Highlights:

 *On January 4th we received an email from OMBELINE (<=== Legit still one of the most beautiful names I've ever heard.)  She asked if we'd be interested in speaking to a local news channel (nothing ever came of that), and of course we said yes and had just received all our composting materials, so we also said thank you:

"I try to say it to all my donors - the interface and the outreach of DonorsChoose.org reminds me of the Zulu word, Ubungani - loosely translated to friends: like pebbles in a stream we polish one another.  That's what DonorsChoose.org is at its heart.  A little bit of shining from friends across the US who choose to see the 19 faces in room 115 as valuable, important and as future leaders.  

The donation of being seen as important - priceless."

*Charles Best.  Yeah, THE Charles Best helped fund a project.
And that was like.
Wait?
What?
#loved

*Ombeline.  Yeah, THAT Ombeline funded chromebooks.
And that was like.
Wait?
WHHHAT?
#loved

January left us FULL of love.
My favorite memories are still kids asking about Ombeline and how she's doing, regularly.
LOL.

*February brought our class our very first Student Essentials Match.

*Kiddos took home snacks and math games for both February and April vacations.

February left our bellies full and our hearts FULL of love!

*March was MCAS month.
*March was swimming.
*March was cold.
*March was filming for the film festival.

*April Vacation saw more snacks.

*A student driven project to spend MORE time outside the classroom reading and playing math games.

*Picnic Blankets, Chairs, and Tents, oh my!

I know.
I know.
I love them so much my heart is BURSTING.
#looping
#stillmine

*Donorschoose.org launched the Teaching Tolerance Match.

*Creative juices flowing, we ordered copies of The Red Pencil (Y'all. I can't. I can not. I love this book so much!) and jewelry making materials to make stamped jewelry to raise money for our local Welcome Home, Northampton Refugee Project.

*One of the most incredible and meaningful teaching experiences of my life.

*We wrote our second Teaching Tolerance Match project.
*BOOKS for days.
*We're still read read reading and enjoying what they've added to our room.

*School let out, and for the first time, in a long time, I had a summer vacation.

*Attended a MTA Professional Development on unpacking the Next Gen Science Standards.
It.
Was.
EPIC.
#SeanMusselman

*Wrote a project for an erosion table and with the help of our friends at Tom's of Maine, we had the project funded.

#SCIENCE
#HANDSON!

*We also wrote a project for some new furniture.
And, dudes.
It ROCKS.

High Tops.

Swivel Chairs.

Benches, beautiful, beautiful benches.

*Two August projects brought storage materials and borders to help create data and dream boards - and we love them! 

*Our window to the world changes monthly.

#hopesanddreams

*Took a Professional Development refresher with THE BECKY DESMITH.
#sheisaqueen

*The day before Meet the Teacher night, I got my first concussion when a 50 pound bulletin board fell on my head.
#reallife
#bulletinboardproblems

Phew.
Honey.

I purchased this couch, but that book...Donorschoose.org

September.
You better sit down.

S'bout to get a whole lot more amazing.

*We had 5 projects funded.

*Alex from DonorsChoose.org (Saint Alex in the teacher circle - because she is legit one of the most patient and kind people I've never met) sent me an email, and it rocked our world.

*We were a Teaching Tolerance Grant Winner.
I cried.
I cried some more.
I told the class.
And we set out...

*To fund projects for other classrooms, along with ours, across the US!

New students meant new headphones and mice.

Storage for all our games.

Adding to our Hygiene bench, some powershowers!

*Eleven.  ELEVEN projects funded.

*We funded projects for Hurricanes Harvey and Irma Classrooms and first time teachers, and match teachers.

*We funded a project to make a donation to our local YMCA of swimsuits and towels.  We are so fortunate to get swim lessons - DURING THE SCHOOL DAY - FOR FREE!

 *We suited up with new matching Team 4th Grade Shirts - and we wear these often!

*And our new table arrived to make collaboration key (and beautiful.)

*The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation also started to fund Professional Development projects...so I'm headed to New Orleans in a few weeks to attend my first GET YOUR TEACH ON, AND I get to chat about DonorsChoose.org while I'm there. #livingmybestlife

*My 5th grade teacher surprised me at Community Reader Night, and I lived out every Matilda fantasy in catching up with her.  #MyMrs.Willard

*Won Inspired2Teach Essay Contest! <3

* Eight.  EIGHT projects funded.

*And countless others supported with our Teaching Tolerance Grant.  We bought an ipad for a Special Ed teacher, and art supplies for a classroom that was flooded.  We bought books for a teacher that wanted our favorite.

*And the Born This Way Foundation teamed up with DonorsChoose.org to talk Mental Health.  

#LadyGaga

#TraumaReady

Zen Garden has changed "Take a Break"!

We started a Crochet Club!

We ran the Turkey Trot!

Everyone got a warm winter sweatshirt!

New Clipboards! 

We worked with our 1st grade buddies to make snow globes!

*We also had a Family Engagement Match funded for a movie theater screen, projector, and popcorn machine to encourage family movie nights throughout the school year! #thanksBillandMelinda!

*Cards Against Humanity launched their Make Homework Fun campaign and I started creating small projects to start a Mindfulness and Yoga workshop for families.  And our real life guru, Jaime (and her husband Martin) funded PART 2!

Yes, THAT JAIME.
From Cosmic Kids Yoga.
Kids screamed.
With excitement.

I can't wait to see this project specifically come to life in 2018.

*We had a Fitness and Gym match funded for SNOWSHOES by an Anonymous Donor who has funded countless projects around our state.
In real life, she FINALLY emailed me.
And came forward to say - of all things - how much she likes our projects.
And she, she herself, wrecked me, in the best way possible.

I said: "Thanks for helping me remind my students they MATTER, in this great big, ever changing world, they matter.  If all of my students' dreams were threads, and I their loom, you must be their dream weaver."

She said: "Perhaps you have it backwards. You are the dream weaver and I am giving you a loom which is just a tool...Your kids are so lucky to have you."

My kids are lucky to have DonorsChoose.org and Donors like our Anonymous Friend, and Lady Gaga, and Cards Against Humanity, and Jeff Weiner, and Ombeline, and Bill and Melinda Gates, and Charles Best, and Mr. Emerson with Horace Mann Insurance...who all stepped forward this year to say

WE SEE YOU.

Me?
I get to be the best kind of teacher, the one I've always dreamed of being.
And even though there has been so much loss this year.
So much grief I still process daily...

I'm the luckiest one of all.
Because of you my littles one.
And you dear donors.

Thanks for shining your lights our way.
It has been our beacon all year.

It has inspired us.
Hugged us.
Taught us.
Changed us.
Sustained us.
Moved us.
Held us.
Built us up.
Fueled us.

Loved us.